17 years

img_2208I started writing this blog because I needed to find an outlet … I experienced so many emotions when it came to the passing of Laura.  Hurt, anger, abandonment, unloved …  Her mom and I never spoke after we were divorced, long before Laura even showed signs of not being well.  Even at Laura’s funeral we never uttered a word to each other.  The point being that the one person in my life at the time that would understand what I was feeling and going through, wasn’t available for me to share my pain and my hurt.  No one could possibly understand what I was going through. Or so I thought.

So I carried the feelings and emotions with me for years and never spoke of what I went through in that period of time.  I stuffed most of what I felt deep down inside and carried it with me for years.  It wasn’t until one day I decided to start writing about what I felt and shared my experience with the world.  Only by sharing some of my pain did it feel like the weight started to lift away.   It was difficult and certainly a challenge as I could not write a single line without crying and bringing up so may painful feelings and memories.  Writing about Laura on September 13, 2008 started me on the path that would take years to get used to and feel comfortable with.  But more importantly than that, it put me in a place that I could share about Laura and inspire others through her life … not mine.

Its been 17 years since she took her last breath and I held her in my arms one final time.  Just as I wrote in my last blog about memories, it feels like it was just yesterday.  That’s the beauty of memories.  I can time travel and be where I was 17 years ago in a nano second.

Although she is not physically here, Laura lives in so many ways.  I have all the wonderful memories of the times we spent together.  The things we did, the conversations we had.  The phone calls. The trips. The tears and the laughter.  All of it lives and is never forgotten.  I even imagine how she would be living her life today if she was still here.  I imagine how she would want to travel and explore (because she takes after me) and she would probably volunteer to help the less fortunate in some third world country.  She would live the life I only dreamed of living when I was her age.

I asked “why?” for so many years and have learned to let go and know that God is in control of my life.  I have never expressed that verbally before either and I suppose that is part of my growth and understanding.

Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “If you change the way you look at things, you will change the way you see” and this has helped me through the years.  Understanding and knowing that there is a greater or larger plan in place, more so than what we see right in front of us, helps make sense of things. Today I celebrate Laura’s life not her passing.  I celebrate the life she lived and am grateful for having had her in my life, next to me for so many years … not so long ago.

Forever in my heart …

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