I’m listening …

Laura 1It was a rushing of emotions. Deep, waves moving through me getting stronger almost to the point of convulsing.  I was sitting there listening to music and it was as if every song was a somber reminder … a painful reminder, of where I am and the void that to this day could not be filled or ever will be.

With every song, a memory latched on to it, and tears flowed.  The beauty of what is and always will be, Laura Maria Guzzo.

Recently, and I’m not sure why, I’ve been asked on several occasions by close friends if I talk to her and I’d pause and reply with a simple “no”.  As I sat there tonight listening to music I realized I never had to speak with Laura.  She spoke to me with every memory, every song, like tonight, either through its lyrics, or the melody. And if I listened intently, words come through…  messages of hope, the memories, the messages and reminders of a life lived with purpose.  Laura 3

Today a dear friend asked me about Laura and what happened.  21 years later and it was like yesterday.  In the midst of the hurt and pain we experienced, there is also the reminder of unpleasant things.  Perhaps that’s why I don’t speak often of her openly.  There are things I’d rather not recall.  Things her mother did to hurt me and my family. Things her mother did up until the day Laura passed and was buried.  Those are the things I’d rather not ever relive. 

The joy Laura brought me has been unequaled in this lifetime.  Nothing will ever fill the space she held in my heart.  I’d never want that.  A smile that can lite up a room or hearing her deep belly laugh, will always draw tears of joy.

As I get older, her memory never fades.  From the day I held her when she took her first breaths of life coming into this world, at a time in my life where I did not know what I was doing in the role of a dad … to the day I carried her for the last time in my arms to be taken away to a place I was not allowed to follow … Laura’s memory lives on … with me … as I continue listening for her voice and the endless conversations we had …  and giggles … 
Laura 2My life, my love, my Laura.

A sampling of music that came to me this evening while sitting alone … I honor her by speaking of Laura.

If you close your eyes and allow the music to flow through you, you too may hear … something  … 

Lullaby for a Soldier
May your dreams bring you peace in the darkness,
May you always rise over the rain.
May the light from above always lead you to love,
May you stay in the arms of the angels.
May you always be brave in the shadows
Till the sun shines upon you again.
Hear this prayer in my heart
And will ne’er be apart,
May you stay in the arms of the angels.
May you hear every song in the forest
And if ever you lose your own way;
Hear my voice like a breeze
Whisper soft through the trees.
May you stay in the arms of the angels
May you grow up to stand as a man, love
With the pride of your family and name.
When you lay down your head
For to rest in your bed,
May you stay in the arms of the angels.

Dan Gibson – Credo III

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