Random thoughts or so I thought

I haven’t done much writing in my journal or here in my blog for some time now. I think about it often but somehow my day starts and before I know it, the day passes, and soon a month and then two. I find myself reflecting on my life this morning and looking at the people that have come and gone over the years. There are really only a few that I would consider true friends that stay and stand the test of time. It saddens me at times to see how alone I am or feel and yet I also know it’s a choice and it could be different … maybe.

Time is the truest test of a friendship. I’ve recently wasted so much energy over what I believed ‘true friends’ had done on a business level. People I trusted, used our friendship to take away what we had created for their own gain. Over time, the lies, and manipulation manifested and continue to do so today. They hide behind their fake niceties and try to manipulate others into believing their story.  How could I have been so blind? Why didn’t I listen to my gut feeling? What was my lesson in this? Trust?

Most will and can see through the fake handshakes or un-truisms. I can only hope that they do not take advantage of others as they have of me and my close business associates (a.k.a. my friends). But I am left wondering why. If I look at this in a spiritual or metaphysical way, I have to step back and ask if I am seeing the worst parts of myself. Aren’t we all mirrors to each other? How can I step away and say I love these people unconditionally in a God like way?

My other conscious self wants to scream loudly, F__K YOU! And make sure everyone hears it. That is my struggle and has been for some time. That is my humanness pushing through. Forgive and forget? I don’t think I’m there yet. It’s easy to spiral into the negativity of the events. I do ask for guidance every day. I reach out to God daily for the guidance I need on all levels of my life. The great “I AM” … and it manifests. But I succumb to the negative thoughts and work at it again.

This isn’t what I wanted to write about this morning. I thought I wanted to talk about relationships, being alone in a state or a country where I have no family. Somehow through these thoughts, the hurt and anger surfaced. Clearly showing me I still have a long way to go on my path and so much more to learn.

And herein lies the benefit of writing or journaling on a daily basis. Thoughts become clearer, the mind processes what it feels on a deeper level, and what we are I believe is the issue most often is not, as there is something deeper, more profound, an underlying cause or thought that needs to be resolved that will surface as it has for me today.

And so what is my takeaway? Continue journaling, processing my own thoughts, and do so more often. Over time things will become clearer and the path to true healing will unfold. But I already knew this … just my own reminder. And, you will have to wait until the next blog before I write about any of my mishaps in any of my personal relationships. 😁

“I AM” Grateful

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